Setting Yourself Free
Letting go of the need for external approval
It can be so hard to function when you feel like you need approval from everyone else. No one consciously chooses to live that way. You may be surprised to find out the deeper reasons why you feel like this. Fortunately, there is hope for overcoming that unhealthy need.
Why You FEEL Like You Need External Approval
You’re not alone in feeling like you need the approval of others to get by. Many resources, such as Psych Central, explain that the need for external approval typically comes down to two factors:
Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE)
Low self-esteem
Adverse Childhood Experiences
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report that 64% of individuals experiences ACE’s before they turn 18. People who’ve experienced ACE’s tend to need external approval because they anticipate failure or feel lost at times. Some examples of ACE’s include:
Experiencing or witnessing abuse or neglect
Witnessing violence
Family suicide or suicide attempts
Engaging in or witnessing substance abuse
Personal mental health struggles
Family mental health struggles
Housing instability
Parental separation
Family member incarceration
Low Self-Esteem
Self-esteem is the way you view yourself. People with low self-esteem tend to seek the approval of others because they don’t approve of themselves or don’t have confidence in their decisions. For example, and this may surprise you, many high achievers have low self-esteem. Their excellence in school, outlier achievements in business, or unique accomplishments in sports are actually attempts to seek approval from others. Psychology Today lists a few of the most common reasons for low self-esteem:
Disapproving caregivers or authority figures
Neglectful or uninvolved caregivers
Conflict amongst caregivers
Bullying
Academic challenges
Trauma
Belief systems
Societal norms
Social media
Why You DON’T NEED External Approval
Of course, it’s perfectly fine to ask for opinions from time to time when dealing with something that you’re inexperienced with. But you don’t ever need the approval of others to live your life.
In many ways, being more independent and confident with decision making improves quality of life. LinkedIn states that there are numerous benefits to be reaped when you stop seeking validation from others. Some of them include:
Higher self-esteem by acknowledging your weaknesses and embracing your strengths
Better sight of your own worth and value
Less energy wasted on chasing validation
Less resentment toward others
Less roadblocks to reaching your full potential
One study published in American Psychologist also notes that higher self-esteem coincides with several perks. These perks are:
Higher success rates in employment and academics
Better social connections
Improved mental and physical health
More positive behavior
How to Let Go
This all may seem easier said than done but there are a ton of ways to get started. The key is to practice being independent and raising your self-esteem. Here are some tips:
Be aware of your approval-seeking behavior.
Celebrate your successes, no matter how big or small.
Enjoy time by yourself.
Give yourself positive affirmations throughout the day.
Learn new skills.
Look to successful role models that have similar life experiences as you.
Set realistic goals and expectations.
Avoid comparing yourself to others.
Take care of your physical health.
Use your past experiences as inspiration rather than allowing them to hinder your progress.
Force yourself to try new activities and situations that challenge your comfort zone.
Trauma Counseling
For those of you that have experienced past traumas, either as a child or adult, formal trauma counseling could be beneficial. There are numerous techniques utilized in trauma therapy that can help. Verywell Mind explains some of the most common ones:
Prolonged Exposure: Exposing yourself to the source of fear until you’re no longer affected by it.
Cognitive Processing Therapy: Challenging your perspective of the cause of the trauma and your thoughts about it.
Cognitive Behavior Therapy: Changing unhealthy thinking patterns and behaviors.
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing: Using physical bilateral stimulation to release emotions.
Source Links
https://psycnet.apa.org/fulltext/2022-48842-002.html
https://www.acuitytraining.co.uk/news-tips/self-confidence/
https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/aces/fastfact.html
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/top-5-reasons-stop-seeking-validation-how-spot-kelly-blackmon
https://psychcentral.com/blog/what-drives-our-need-for-approval
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-we/201312/10-sources-low-self-esteem
https://www.verywellmind.com/trauma-therapy-definition-types-techniques-and-efficacy-5191413
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If you liked this, check out my article entitled, “How Loneliness Can Contribute To Emotional Overeating.”
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